In-between designing my next piece of ink, I indulged myself with watching a couple episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Despite many of its heteronormative contexts, I still as a whole enjoy the show. Call it a guilty pleasure if you will, but it's the truth.
That was until a scene came up where Barney (the hypersexual male character in the show) is trying to replace his (ex-) best friend Ted by being the wingman of this nerdy coworker. Throughout the scene they show how his coworker is incompetent with women, sometimes appearing schizophrenic due to anxiety, and entirely unmanly because he hadn't had sex in 13 years. In order to combat this man's obvious "faults," Barney gives him three rules on picking up women...
1. Get them alone, that is isolate them
2. Say their name repeatedly in conversation
3. Subtly put them down
This got me thinking, is this how people really view women and how to get them into bed? This scene seemed a little too much like animal planet with a side of rape for my tastes. Think about it... "Let's draw her away from the pack, do a dance to make her think we care, then put her down so her self esteem is so low you can nail her!"
It takes away female humanity and reduces them to a game. What bothers me more is that because this is in this show, it's obvious that this is relevant in today's society, otherwise they wouldn't have it on display for million of people who couldn't relate.
Is this how we're training our young boys, men, and everyone else how to approach women? Like the prize buck that transforms into your species so you can fuck them and leave them? It's episodes like these that reinforce our rape culture. Subtle, yes, and probably not the intention of the producers, but by reinforcing this attitude towards woman they are inherently excusing these actions as normal and okay.
As a society we need to start being more mindful of these images that are constantly being portrayed in the things we watch, do, and hear. I once read the fact that 1 in 8 movies have a rape scene in them. And more than that, the way most of them are done are to inspire arousal in its viewers. I shouldn't have to say why this is a problem, but for the sake of being thorough I'll say it anyway. Making rape sexy in films creates the idea within the general public (generally men) that forced, aggressive sex in the real world is sexy. If she wore a slutty dress and says no and fights you, she's just playing, after all she's just there for your sexual satisfaction.
As viewers we need to start demanding that shows and films reflect the world we want to live in, not the one filled with terror. By doing mass boycotts of shows or movies that reflect negative views towards women, producers will have to start changing scripts. They don't make money unless we give it to them. That being said, we need to be more conscious consumers.
Until next time....
Peace, love, and revolution,
Rae
I think that the writers were probably trying to be ironic, just showing that this particular character is a really disgusting male with no respect for women. But I agree that even though they may be trying to be funny, some less intelligent young men might take it as real advice. It reminds me a lot of that book "The Game" about the whole "game" of picking up women. It's really creepy and kind of gross... and I really don't understand how it works. If I were pulled aside by some guy, no matter how "charming" or good looking he was, if he started to put me down I'd be out of there in a second. Sarcasm and little digs are fine, as long as I've gotten to know the other person and they know me, but I usually throw it right back at them. Insults don't fly here.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the character on the show is supposed to be an exaggerated version of those douchebag guys who club with the intent to sleep with a chick. It's more a parody than a representation.
ReplyDeleteTo give the guy perspective, however, you have to understand this conversation wouldn't occur if there weren't women who actually slept with a guy as a result of this. Yes this does succeed, and yes, on a daily basis. All of it is tasteless and shallow, but it happens nevertheless. Guys are awful for doing it, but girls can't be left without blame when they encourage it.
Also, each rule has a logical explanation in real life that is less ridiculous than the show. Except for the isolation part: I get why one would do that, but if you're a decent guy, you shouldn't have to.
For the second advice, people in general feel more appreciated when their name is used by someone they were just recently acquainted.
The last advice is a little trickier. When he says "subtly put them down", the real life translation of the advice is not to overly revere a woman; treat her as you would a friend, which means the occasional snide remark here or there.
I definitely agree that women play into this too. That's what I meant by the 'everyone else' part of the post. I also completely understand that he's meant to be a parody, but he still represents a figure that does exist with our society.
ReplyDeleteWhile I definitely think your points are valid, like I said, these things wouldn't be on TV if they didn't have some relevance in our culture, but I think that the way things are done in real life still aren't great.
Like you said, the first rule isn't for decent people to use. The second, I can understand this too, however personally I get a bit weirded out when people keep using my name in a conversation just between me and them. I do really enjoy your explanation of the last rule. But I also think that when you're just meeting someone getting too personal or snide can be inappropriate. Then again, this always depends on the situation.
Just for the record, I'm not trying to defend this. I hate douchebag guys who practice this. I'm a staunch defender of monogamous sex, and disagree with casual sex entirely.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to provide clarification and further perspective, one you guys may not know of.
Yea, I agree, but I don't think it's subtle, it's pretty overt.
ReplyDeleteUgh, just looking at those "rules" made me feel sick to my stomach because, as a male-identified person who is sexually attracted to women, it felt like such a perverse augmentation of what it feels like to desire to be intimate with someone, breaking it down into a series of rules for practicially TAKING essentially the most trivial part of the experience by destroying parts of the person you want to share it with through deception and manipulation. Definitely fucked up and it's a further enforcement of the rape culture we have.
I must say, the solution(s) is(are) difficult and elusive because the attitude is entrenched in all of courtship and most of society outside of courtship. It's already a difficult subject, much less to find a way to make the subject more just and equitable.
Personally I find it very, very difficult to engage in courtship (which really is the wrong word) in ways that aren't insulting, disrespectful, dehumanizing, dominating and alienating and still communicate exactly what I want to in the personal exchange. It shows a lack of imagination on my part and perhaps a lack of imagination on the part of other male-identified people. So that's a big problem. How do male-identified people create a culture where they aren't total cocks in issues of (whatever you'd like to call) courtship?
I definitely agree Pat, there is no easy solution. Changing hundreds of years of sexism isn't going to happen overnight.
ReplyDeleteI think a big part of getting to know a potential partner is being aware and honest. You're both more than likely going to push yourselves in some sort of stereotypical role (I even find this in my own queer relationships) and I think it's important to address it when you realize it's happening. Each relationship is unique and you need to figure out what's best for the both of you. It's not easy though :/
Yea, it's possible to overcompensate too, lol. I don't want to get too specific because it's a little embarassing, but when I have made efforts in the past to decrease sexual pressure on a given situation for fear of the manipulation and domination that can come along with it, I have also ended up being dishonest as a result. I end up not saying what I actually feel because I am making an effort to create an atmosphere where decisions are relaxed ... and people feel like they can say what they feel... by me not saying what I feel... O_O. Yeah, so there is a wrong way to do it.
ReplyDeleteI think you're dead on with resorting to stereotypes. People know they feel x and they know that y is usually what other people do (or what they think other people do) to communicate x. So they do y instead of.. perhaps.. z. That's where queerness is a liberating space to actually make society better.
I personally don't think I've moved very far beyond stereotypes because I guess it's what seems safest... even though you essentially take refuge in a hetereonormative, sexist, confusing, revolting conception of kinship and courtship. It's interesting how society can produce exogenous preferences that make you think something's wrong with you when you pursue those preferences and find out you don't like them, lol.
Your certainly right about honesty though. I think that's one building-block, pillar or principle to build a new queer courtship upon... one that is ready for export to the mainstream culture. Seriously. Non-queer identified people (especially male-identified) desperately need a change also, lol.
I think you're right on with the overcompensating, finding that delicate balance is tough. The best you can do is be aware and honest. I sound like a broken record, but I don't see any other solution.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think queer relationships follow gender roles just as much as straight relationships do. I find whenever I'm dating someone they'll put themselves into the feminine, submissive role, which I either put myself or they put me into this masculine, dominant, aggressive role. Everyone can benefit from stereotype enlightenment, it's just a matter of people being willing to step outside of their comfort zones in order to pursue the greater good.